Thoug​ht Thirty One

They think too small.

I went to a shaman gathering and enjoyed the group experience. The dynamics were interesting and the people pleasant. However, most were looking for answers to questions they had within themselves. To ask a god a question and then expect anything more than the god to be bothered. The hubris!

Gods are the ultimate narcissistic sociopaths. To expect anything beyond contempt is to expect physics to reverse itself.

My thought in all of this, is perhaps they are thinking too small. These gods are “small” by nature. To think otherwise would expect the sun to be interested in an ant on earth. Most gods aren’t even vaguely aware of us.

When I experienced being in the presence of Hanuman, I felt exactly that. Like an ant with the sun. Any more attention than that and I would have been obliterated.

Thoug​ht Thirty

They live in a box.

They happily proclaim and exhort to others around them to live in the same box. That it is the best box. That they are grateful for the box. The sides are smooth and the cardboard of excellent materials.

Leading people astray.

I think this may have been what Jesus spoke about when he talked about false prophets. Leading people toward no growth. Towards remaining a child emotionally.

By the eight billion gods, I hate that.

Of course, this is through my emotional filter know today is “death day” when my brother killed himself.
Still, I will watch and live among a thousand billion lives wasted and lost. Going forward without a single memory, without anything learned.

Thoug​ht Twenty Nine

Do you think about beyond the why?

I picked up and crushed a large bug that had made its way onto my kitchen floor. The bugs body burst with a sickening release in the doubled up paper towel.
I thought to myself, well you will return quicker that way. It gave me pause thinking about the why.
Why the gods? Why reincarnate?
What is beyond all of this?
Is there something beyond “the all” that is beyond the gods?
I think there is.
I just don’t know what it is.
And that scares me a little.

​Thought Twenty Eight

An older thought…

Perhaps the Gods (like the mountain in television show “Outsiders”) are just that.
And the Gods you pray and are the ones where you reside between lives.
That is why the overt and covert recruitment.
Be careful of your choices.

This makes sense to me, for we are in effect Gods ourselves, just on a much smaller scale.
All a part of the illusion as we see it.
Scary and not at the same time.
Perhaps that is the strong draw to the old ways.
Maybe that is why we are so drawn to the flame.

The Wolf tracks that run down my arms and legs are the Wolf in me from so many other lives. This is why I feel this great sadness and why I cannot forgive myself.

I know who I am.

I know what I have done.

I am the Wolf.


Thought Twenty Seven

Watching a small spider crawling across the wrought iron, it occurred to me that this planet is alive the way that we are.

Allow me to explain.

In our intestines, flora and fauna live without which we would perish. Inside of us and outside of us, we are an organism that is more than the sum of our parts.

It occurs to me that perhaps the planet is much same. It has periods of health and occasional bouts of sickness, much as we do. This planet definitely had a beginning and will eventually have an ending.

So maybe it is alive in a similar fashion as we are, just a different scale. You can then take that thought and scale it out further, to the Milkyway and so on until eventually, you reach the Big Bang event horizon.

Again, perhaps it is alive. It definitely had a beginning and will have an ending. We are all made up of the same building blocks at a sub-atomic level.

At a certain point, it all seems to be about scale. We are the krill swimming in a galactic ocean, eating smaller plants and animals below us.

But we are all alive.
In one way or another.

Thought Twenty Six

Technology is the beginning.

The beginning of seeking to attain what the gods themselves know. This is a threat to the very being of the gods. When we become powerful, then the gods are no longer needed, and they become less. As they are worshipped not, they are diminished and become less and eventually nothing at all. For the narcissist sociopathic gods, this is hell. No relevance, no observation, nothingness.

To combat this, civilization would need to be cyclical. All lost and rediscovered over and over again. Over billions and septillions of years. Science is now finding out that memories are actually encoded in our DNA. This makes sense if you want civilization to be cyclic. Recovery would be faster, and experiences would be shared across all time.

As civilization advances, more and more knowledge is stored digitally. Until eventually everything is digital. Books, contracts, money, records, etc.

Because knowledge has been stored digitally, nothing is left once society falls through war, disease, and famine, forcing a reset of civilization.
This is by design (on purpose).
For when you fly too high, too close to the sun (gods), you fall and start over.
To be consumed by these gods.

Interesting and a bit of a scary thought…

Thought Twenty Five

I looked out while I was in line at the Taco Tornado and observed a young woman and man kissing and holding each other in the parking lot. He picked her up, and both were clearly enamored with each other. After a while when they finished their embrace, I thought about myself at that age. For a moment I wished I too had known love like that and had not been swallowed into an unhealthy relationship with a nasty narcissist.
But then I had the thought that I would have been so much less aware than I am today. I would not know the things I do today.
I would not be as grateful as I am today without the hell I have been through.
It changed everything. And as I see my child support coming to an end, the last chain that is wrapped around my ankle removed, I feel free in a way like I have never known.
I am free, and I am awake.