Everyone is so afraid.
They are afraid to live, they are afraid to die.
Reentering the dating world in my fifties has been an eye opener. Every woman that I meet is in a near “thrice gods damned” panic. It isn’t fun to watch, much less to feel.
So they fill their world up. They fill it up with tasks (I have so many things to do), they fill it up with children, they fill it up with exercise and CrossFit, they fill it with rescue dogs and rodeo committees, and so on.
Some of them leave their TVs on all night to gird against the dark. They sleep with their children in their bed. They take a man unknown to bed to not be alone. And even when they sleep with that man, they masturbate alone even with him present.
So much fear.
This hurricane Harvey stirred such fear. Fear of the storm, fear of the flood, fear of job loss, fear for children, on and on. So much fear that the daemons that walk in the night have gotten their fill long before they decide to haunt my dreams. I woke this morning with seven distinct knocks. I arose and went to the door knowing there would be no one there. I played it back in my mind multiple times and recounted the knocks.
Writing this feels dangerous. The air swirls and thickens with those that are better not spoken of or known. Still, knowledge is knowledge regardless of what a daemon wants or feels. My body is afraid. I know this is a hard-wired human response even as I feel my mind unafraid.
Fear; That is what all of these women are afraid of.
That is the common denominator among the denizens of match.com, Eharmony and all of the others. Of the lady that is introduced to me by friends, of the cashier in HEB where I bought my water and food, the woman that wanted me to go to bed with her.
Fear. A four letter word much more potent than any simple swear word. It takes up residence in your mind and crawls into your soul. Then your life becomes Hell. You live in Hell. Heaven and Hell are a state of mind, not a place you go to. Your forever now becomes Hell. I know, I have lived in Hell forty of the fifty-four years I have crawled around on this ball of mud. When you have lived in Hell as long as I have, fear eventually burns out of your mind. Yes, my body still reacts, but my mind is unafraid.
I will not be consumed with fear. Because fear is just pain in a different form. There is no way around pain, there is only through it. So I will take this fear and make it my own. I will consume this pain/fear. Chew it up and swallow it like a poorly cooked steak at your mother in laws house. You hate it, but you eat it anyway. Then I will defecate it out of my body. It will go to the place it truly belongs. Floating in the stinking sewers, pain, and fear.