Thought Forty Eight

It is said, that if we stare into a mirror long enough, we will see a monster.
We see a monster in the mirror because we are monsters.
Inside of us lurks a heart of darkness just as does a gleaming light.

We experience our reality subtly different from our brethren humans. At the same time, there is an agreed upon shared reality of experience.
When in this “shared reality of experience” we feel the togetherness with others and not alone.

How do you share the experiential you? Can we even do this?

If you could climb into the mind of another, would you? To walk among their den of snakes, the fear, and anxieties that knaw at corners of their mind.
IMG_3254 2Would it be here that you would experience the steel of their will? The strength of choice, the wild abandon of war? Walking with your back straightened and a tightness in your shoulders. Eyes scanning the surroundings knowing this is war.

War of the mind.

For we are all at war within our minds. Steel on steel. Iron willed boundaries against the fear and anxieties built up over a lifetime of trauma.

Your large war hammer gripped tightly in your fist, focus etched on your face. Launching forward swinging that great war hammer to destroy what you have killed so many times before.
The rictus grin of your face, the fire in your eyes, the destruction in your heart.

Screaming you swing…

Thought Forty Seven

When the man comes around – Johnny Cash

We are looking for an end. Part of the transmission of knowledge across time through our mythology. Christianity and Islam are just the newcomers from across the vast reaches of time.

Is it more watered down this time?


It most likely has always done so. Stories are told and retold in a thousand million ways. Changing a little bit here and there. The knowledge of a thousand million lifetimes lost among the ruins of time gets a little more lost. People numbing themselves with distractions that allow a person not to think at all.

The philosophers over the last five thousand years have advocated for us to think. To spend time in contemplative thought. To reach for something beyond just the simple distractions of meaningless nothingness.

When I was a younger man, I remember thinking the work I did had meaning. I sacrificed my time, energy and emotions for nothingness and distraction. On video games as well. Today the distractions are ever present at an even larger level. Our phones, the computer, television, video games, etc. Ad Nauseum.

When I was a boy, there wasn’t an internet. I read many, many books, and my mind soared to high and low places. My imagination ranged far and near. We hiked and shot our guns, we explored places without fear, knew each other and chose to ignore our faults and become friends. Though some of us lived with violence from abusive fathers that struck us and damaged our sense of self, we still persevered. To become survivors of the hell that walked in our daily path.

Eventually, we grew up and restarted this process all over again. Choosing a mate that would ensure we were punished and damaged as before. Surely this meant that they loved us, for they hurt us as all had before. But alas, they did not love. For they weren’t truly capable of love. For it was not taught to them as a child. The gods they knew were harsh and jealous. They knew love not.

The sins of the father (or mother)

We were just there to feed their crooked and damaged selves. For time and time again we were punished and damaged until there was nothing left of us to destroy. And only then in that moment would we walk away to begin again.

Like the knowledge being transmitted across time through mythology, we restarted this all over again. I see this knowledge in innumerable places. In a book I have read, in a line in a television show or a movie I’ve watched. Occasionally a lyric in a line of music listened to. In a painting at a museum or sculpture, I was able to touch. The transmitted knowledge is out there. Perhaps encoded in our DNA or the atomic nucleus within each of our atoms that make us physical.


And although I may never meet you, I will cast my words out into the sweaty malfeasant void that is the internet with the thought that perhaps it may inspire you, dangerous reader, to look inward for a moment or two of introspective contemplative thought, rather than downward at your cell phone.

Breath… One thousand, two thousand, three thousand, Exhale…



Thought Forty Six

Glassy skies above…

The age of romanticism that we live in. The deep sweet feeling that reaches inside of us and takes us to places where we have never been before. Or creates an indefatigable sense of loss. It would seem to test our sanity at times.

Socrates said, “Wisdom is knowing you know nothing.”

And we do. As I have moved through my life I have realized more and more how much I do not know. Of this, there are many things I would like to know beyond just wondering if it is madness or reality. It does test one at times.

As I laid on the floor, my respiration seeking to elevate, I felt my body ceasing to function. As my blood pressure rose and my respiration became shallow, I remembered to slow my breathing. The food I had eaten was bad and my body reacted to it. Rolling onto the floor pressing my face against the cold tile, I inhaled and counted “one thousand, two thousand, three thousand” exhale. Count again “one thousand, two thousand, three thousand” then inhale. Slowly over the next sixty minutes, I felt my body begin to ease out of the shock it was in.

All the while, a close friend stayed on the phone with me. I couldn’t talk because it took all of the mind function I had to control my breathing. But still, she waited, listen and worried.

Laying on the floor, covered in shit, I felt the biological parts of me. Animal, ego and still the sentience that was me stayed. Quietly aware of everything in the background. When the terrible pain finally faded down to a whisper of itself, I felt the normal me back at the forefront. The ego that I am.

I think I liked the feeling of less ego while just trying to control my breathing. Trying not to pass out and die choking in my own vomit. Covered in shit, lying face down on the floor, not sure when or if this will end, brings a bit of clarity.

The last time this happen, I did the same stupid thing. I ate some meat that had been in the refrigerator too long. My body is predictable in its reaction of explosively removing these toxins (bad food) from my systems.

I knew I would not die, although it felt like I was going to. This time and the last. But the focused state of doing only what matters, while knowing someone cares for you brings some peace. You are alone, but a loved one watches over you attempting to share your grief.

A last thought;

I read on Quora about grass. The story told about a man that had dead spots in his yard. He watered and fertilized, he fretted and tried, but nothing seemed to help. Until another gave him the following advice.

Do not focus on the dead grass, for it is dead. Focus on the living grass and over time, with care, it will fill and grow over the dead areas.

Our lives are like this. Focus on the areas that we enjoy, the areas that bring us light. Those areas will eventually grow over the dead spots. Then your grass will be full and green…




Thought Forty Five

The longer that I am here, the more that I realize that we are all alone. We wish to be by others, to see and be seen, to love and be loved in our totality.

But this is something that is beyond our grasp.

DonQiouxe-V5We can be by another for years and decades, but never truly know their spirit. Never knowing the maddening idea that is them. For even when we see them, we don’t. The secret lives that live inside of their hearts. The desires that reside below their conscious thoughts that drive them where they do.

These are not knowable things. For without them truly knowing themselves, how can we hope to understand them and share this knowledge with them?

I don’t think we can.

We can only seek to learn our own minds. With its dangerous minefields and sharpened rusty pikes on which we impale ourselves. A terrible and dangerous place that leads out into the unknown.

Perhaps this is why so many choose distractions over self-knowledge. Is that so painful that we would forever decide not to know? Of course, this would assume we consciously made this decision.

So it would seem.

I choose to embrace this pain. The little death that is sleep each night. The tumultuous dreams that haunt and sear. These are the parts of the night that become long. A second that lasts forever, a day that lasts a year, a year that is gone in a second.

But for the sweet release of the unimagined mind. A place that takes me far and away. To places that were lost long ago before these stars began to take shape and after the crushing collapse of a heat death universe.

A glassy sky,
A dusty leather jacket,
A long ago smoked and dried out cigar,
A skeletal hand buried in the white sand…

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Thought Forty Four

The wisdom of an old tree, the kinship of these plants I chose to care for. These are my reality.

No, my reality is a place far and away.

Where the white sand flows endlessly across a plain that knows no end. I will live a thousand million lifetimes in this second and many more. And of those that say, what madness is this? For this is not madness at all, but instead, experience this life as the gods must. All at once in a beautiful cacophony of life and death. Where worlds are born and die, where each individual spark of what is, touches the beauty of the soul. For there is no end, the night goes on forever as does this day, here in this White Desert.

The smell of the diesel exhaust sears my lungs but refreshes my spirit. The sun burns my forehead as these brass goggles are heavy on my face. A cigar between my teeth as I take another pull. Coffee at my elbow, I think to myself, perhaps this is heaven. For I am where I choose to be. In front of me, the desert stretches forth. I feel the treads rumble beneath me, the deep growl of the engines and I know I am home.

Death is not certain, but life is.

And I will see you there. For we live long and again. The spirit that is us takes us to places we don’t see until we choose to.

I have chosen to. I hope I see you there. In one form or another. Daemon or god matters not. The essence that is you I will always know.

I will walk among you. I will know the limitations and forget who I am. There I will embark on this great and terrible journey. One mile after the next. Changing and growing, reaching upwards and outwards until at last, we become what we were.

Only then to begin again.

Once again, walking alone in this, White Desert.

Thought Forty Three

13.7 billion light-years away are the boundaries of the observable universe. Approximately three hundred thousand years before (or less), the “Big Bang” occurred. The dust from the early materials caused the early cosmos to be “foggy” so that’s where the trail ends for us.

Or does it?

To me, this doesn’t seem long enough. My intuition tells me that there has to be something more. More than 14 billion years. Why 14 billion years? The earth is 6.8 billion years old. Now some scientists are stating that the earth may be a second generation planet, caused by two or more “super earth” type planets colliding (super-earth planets have very dense atmospheres not allowing life to flourish). So halfway through our universe (think “Big Bang” universe) our planet was created.

Again, too small.

We think too small. Does this universe as it currently stands have gods that participate in it and it only? Do other “Big Bang” universes exist and do they also have their own sets of gods? Are those universes larger than our “Big Bang” universe? Is there a physics limitation to this? Did physics even exist when the unimaginable tidal forces bent, twisted and tore apart this reality? Where amazing elemental forces at subatomic levels created this our current shared plane of existence?

These are a few things I want to know.

Science is too slow. This knowledge is encoded at the basic building block levels (sub-quark) of the atom. Much like our DNA had all the instructions to build you and me, as well as frogs and cows and fish, Ad nauseam. There is more to this than we think.

Why then do we focus on such small things in our lives? Why do we worry about a ball team winning, on being stuck in traffic or someone cutting in line in front of us? Do we even really care about these things?


I am finding it more and more difficult to.

Life is big. Bigger than the stupid small irrelevant ridiculous pursuits that we engage in. Even this 14 billion light year observable universe is too small for me. I want to know more.

With this in mind, I shall never be bored again.

Strangely, I feel a sense of urgency about this. Is my mind expanding that much? I feel something new. Something good and perhaps terrible.

But definitely interesting. Always interesting…

In another universe much older than our youthful plane of existence, there are humans and other beings in slightly different configurations than us. They live and breath, love and hate, and dwell in the white sand.
There they wait for me.
And you.

Are you afraid?

I am.

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Here be Dragons…

Thought Forty Two

Ragnarok. The end of everything.

For the Norsemen, it meant the end of everything. The final battle where all the gods would rise and fight one last time. Then die to start all over again.

Some are drawn to or wish for the end. The end of their legal troubles from their malodorous ex-wife, the end of a stressful project that drags on forever, the end of the pain.

Wolf-Tracks-V3I have spent a good part of my life wishing for things to be over. When I was in the Navy, I wanted the cruise (overseas for 8 months at a time) to be over, for a general quarters drill to be over, for a fire that seared my lungs and had me fearing for my own life to be over. Later it was a bad marriage that consumed everything in its tempestuous flame. A long walk through the darkness, burned beyond recognition, I wished for it to end for almost three decades.

Then one day it was over.

The monster no longer could burn me alive, torturing and destroying no more. A devil that had no further hold over me. The prison within my mind I could walk away from. No more would I walk those narrow, dangerous paths filled the detritus of death and darkness. But the chains that once held me in the darkness fell away not so easily. Some parts I thought would naturally fall away did not at all.

I had to learn to be ok just being with me.

Not an easy task. This from a person that started life hating himself. The evolution that I have undergone scares me sometimes. For a wrong turn, a moment too late, that I should not have arrived where I am now.

But I am here.

And in this moment and many others like it, I am finding that to be by myself is not just Ok, but good. No, that isn’t strong enough. I like me and where I am. The crazy, creative, logical mind that I have. The work that I do where I can bare my teeth to rend and tear (logically speaking). To learn to love the people that choose to be in my life with no thought of changing them, but to simply and beautifully love and accept them. It matters not if I understand them, for understanding is not required in all circumstances. Acceptance is enough for this moment.