I was eating yesterday in the default sushi restaurant. As I sat eating and talking with friends, I noted the people around me.
Later that evening when I was thinking about the people around me, I heard a distinct word “no”. Not loud, nor soft, but hear it I did. Clear and distinct, almost HD.
Thinking about it, I wondered, who or what said “no” to me? I wasn’t scared by it as I manage my freeze, flight or responses as much as a person can. In my mind, I don’t think I am capable of truly being afraid anymore. That part burnt out and died long ago. But it is interesting to think about. Has it come to a point now where I can hear the internal dialogue to a degree?
Perhaps this is the point the most likely outcome or destiny.
Interesting. Well, to me anyway.
With that, I came to realize recently that the most likely outcome (or destiny if you prefer) is not an easy thing to change. You see there is free will within the most likely outcome. A lot of freedom, but truthfully not the ability to act in total chaos. Just as the ever expanding universe has an eventual outcome, so do we.
So what is your most likely outcome/destiny? I’m still figuring mine out. At least for this life.
Where do we go from here?
That is the question. A little to the left, a little to the right. Maybe down the hall and past the next street. I don’t know. Find something to make me all right when I don’t feel like it. I went to a friends party on Friday night and after eating, felt quite ill. In the bathroom, I passed out while sitting on the toilet and fell. One second sitting, the next with my head on the edge of the tub, a bit of blood in view and the trash can smashed (I fell on it). This resulted in a large bump with a bruise on the left side of my forehead, some scratches on my face, bruising and a visit from the paramedics. Vaso Vagal reaction.
The lump on my forehead is about eighty percent gone (still a little swollen). But my heart hurts. Letting go is a damn sight harder than I thought it would be. I know this will pass. Just as all things do. But right now sitting here typing on this blog I feel a bit lost. Tomorrow will come. With its meetings and airplane flights to far off places. To meet people, converse and reach across the chasm that separates us all. To do the things I have and have not done before. To be this person that I am, to write my book, do things I want to do when I want to do them, to learn to have boundaries to my person and to find peace with me just being with me.
This is the start of this.
Walking alone, not deluding myself that we ever really walk with another, when we always walk alone. Our dictionaries in our hands as we transverse across the sand in this the white desert.
I have and many times continue to assume my definitions are ubiquitously the same among those I care for. That is a mistake, as I have learned to my detriment recently. I think it may be due to my consanguinity. I assume that the words I speak are understood with the same definitions that I hold in my mind and memories.
But they are not.
For even the definitions in my mind are often like a part of a fuzzy set, defined multiple ways and with internal visual interpretations that only I understand in the language of who I am. This definitely would make a difference in the course of communication with another person. Even someone you might feel that you know well. It may also be the reason that you can spend many lifetimes seeking to know someone, only to find that you have barely scratched the surface of who they are.
Then too, how much do we know ourselves? I feel that much of this life has been a long journey towards self-knowledge and the learning of how much I don’t know. For all that I have learned in this long life, I see the unthinkably large universes of knowledge that I don’t know. And the people around me are universes unto themselves. Vast deep structures of knowledge and experience that I can only hope to learn but a little.
Stepping into this, I realize that we walk alone. We hope and try to communicate but fail in a thousand million ways. The dictionaries of ourselves in a billion different languages that speak only in the most generalist of terms. Even physical touch is a language that plays out in a multitude of differing languages.
I wish I could walk the corridors of your mind and know the paths upon which you tread. To read your dictionaries and understand the person that you are and perhaps share some of my own. But for this life and many others, we will wander in the darkness before the light of morning, the white sand dusting our boots and shouldered weapons as we walk towards a dawn that is far and away.
Perhaps then we will meet once again. In the early morning hours over a cup of black coffee and a cigar in that white desert.
Life’s moments are temporary at best.
A passing moment shared with someone you love. Then it’s gone. Some moments you understand profoundly and some remain fuzzy in an unpleasant aching belly sort of way. Still, each day is a is another opportunity to feel peaceful, to work and engage in ways that perhaps you had not before.
I have been pretty busy lately at work, and I find that I like it. The ground around me shifts and trembles with change, but I stay on my feet. The dunes of sand are forever shifting, or so it goes in this the white desert. Where once was a fertile valley of green with a small oasis of cool water, now lingers only another rolling dune of white sand. Though I mourn at this loss, the white desert doesn’t end. So I shake the dust from my boots and continue on. What lies ahead I cannot tell. However, this walk in the desert shall continue. Until the one day when we find the sea and the white desert is no more.
Until then, I will walk.
I was thinking about all of the good in my life over the last few weeks. There is more than I can list, but here are a few:
- Wonderful friends
- An awesome relationship with a very special woman
- An amazing daughter
- Super relatives
- A great job that I enjoy
- A beautiful house
- Purpose and creativity
- Peace in my soul
I often think about where I am and why. I don’t feel like I have lost so much anymore. Twenty-seven years of marriage to a despicable narcissistic person have taught me many lessons and have helped me mature into the person I am now.
Feeling resolute and peaceful I go forward in this present moment. With that, I also think about karma/consequence. Several times while driving in the last few weeks, I have had people behave in unbecoming ways. It didn’t matter to me what they did, just how I responded.
Now I have logically known this for a long time. However lately, I really felt this in my bones. One place I noticed this was on LinkedIn. On Linkedin, I am approaching having 10K contacts. Every day, I say “Happy Birthday” to people (Linkedin lets you easily do this). I started doing this a couple of years ago. During that year, I received around forty Happy Birthday messages from my contacts. I enjoyed that and wanted other people to enjoy what I experienced as well (on my birthday).
Thinking about this, I see karma/consequence in action.
This has led me to actively choose how I want to respond to people behaving in unbecoming ways while driving. It isn’t just enough to not respond or hold it in. It is choosing to see it for what it is. Am I tossing a large rock into a karma/consequence pool of the negative or positive?
From a purely egocentric view, I am doing this for me.
I like my life and how I feel about it. The one thing I have total control over is how I choose to react and feel. My choices internally and externally make my life and how I perceive it. My karma/consequence are entirely up to me.
I can feel this deep inside of me. More than ever before.
I notice one lurking around before I went to sleep last night. I shouldn’t be scared by them after fifty-five years of life, but they still startle that hardwired freeze, flight or fight part of myself. I thought at the time, the gods must wish to speak to me, as they occasionally do in the late darkness of the night.
I awoke around 2:00 am after this dream.
There were military vehicles, like the ones I had built scratch models of. I have a room with many futuristic models setting about to do war with each other (part of my writing). But as I looked at them, I realized that they were no different than anything else, like a person or idea of something.
In fact, the person and idea were the same. There was no difference. Really, there was just the idea.
A writer, writing about a writer, that is writing about a writer.
For I am dreaming the dreamer, dreaming the dream, dreaming me.
I was thinking this morning.
Why do I get irritable when I am uncomfortable. With words that I chose to allow me to feel like less. Logic would dictate that I disregard those words and continue to feel the same as I had. Like water off of a duck’s back.
But instead, I get hurt and angry. Failing to see the intentions behind the teasing. Teasing done by someone you trust, that has good intent for you is just that, teasing. Intended to make you laugh, point out absurdities or even give you a gentle poke in the ribs.
Again, down this trail of learning.
If something bothers me, it is my problem. I am the one having an issue with something a person had said. So I also need to be the one to deal with and own my emotions. To look into myself and determine why I feel the way I do.
Why something hurts.