Thought Seventy Five

Before it gets better, it’s getting worse…

But, it’s not a moon.

It finally ended today. Four years of being legally harassed. Motion after motion. Opposing counsel slinging mud and slander, suits and countersuits. Endless worry and payments to my lawyer.

Was it worth it? To escape that living hell, absolutely!

Now married to a woman that I love more than life itself, I am starting my new journey unburdened. Good friends, a family I love, a fulfilling career. This is the good part. The part I want to savor minute by minute.

Just like the night I married my beloved Manya. Every moment locked into the forever. These moments become a permanent part of “the all”. Forever and always. An unending universe of forever, expanding with these moments that make up the gods themselves.

Whatever happens now, it’s not a moon…

Thought Seventy Four

This week has been hard.

A long report completed today, a ten hour slog across a muddy swamp infested with errant mosquitoes of mediocrity. Dodging bad karma crocodiles as they lunge forward hoping for a mouth full of rotting flesh.

That’s how it felt

Yesterday was worse. $2400 of mediation with an excellent judge that unfortunately had no chance of settling a case with a crazy person. We did learn a few things though. Some confirmation on Munchausen by proxy. That part was pretty crazy. I wish I could repeat the whole story, but the names have been changed to protect the litigious. Focus on the points of the law.

We’ve got this… Like potholes in the street.

As I walked away, the bear lunged at me. When I looked, he was right where he always was. It didn’t alarm me, I’ve seen these sorts things too many times to be surprised anymore. We go to trial next Monday. Assuming we get heard, I will be completely inside my head for several days. Watching and analyzing everything. Maybe if my mind is calm enough I will reach out while in the courtroom. Just to see what’s there.

It could get interesting in ways I haven’t thought of.

We will either win or lose. Winning means the end. The end of the endless nightmare. Twenty-seven years of eating shit. That said, the door has to shut at some point. All doors do. The gods swim and swirl as we drift through them unaware of what they are. To pray is to throw your thoughts into the great nothingness for whence there is no end.

I want to pull back and experience it all at a greater level. Where it is all one continuous flow of time. Life and death, birth and rebirth. All at once, all the same always.

To sit on that vast desert once again. Hot steel surrounding me as I smoke a thick cigar, seated in the cupola of a tank. Where my worse worry is just staying alive. Perhaps that is the simpler life.

Life and death.

Not court battles with monsters or ex-monsters. Battles in hardened steel. The same stainless 1911 on my hip, perhaps in a tanker holster then. 45 ACP, nine hundred and fifty feet per second. Flex body armor making me sweat.

The enemy should be better defined. Monsters that hide in plain sight. Faces with masks, but dead inside. A rotting corpse that is dead to everyone that can truly see. But most can’t so they remain fooled.

When I was younger, I dreamed of a boat in the Bahamas. An honest living in a beautiful place, looking for the end. The end never comes. We just keep dying over and over again. Endlessly reliving the same things over and over until we finally learn something even if we never do.

So wash, rinse and repeat.

It’s not a moon…

 

 

Thought Seventy Three

I now sit in this airport in Pittsburgh thinking. I worked for several hours on a report for a client but maxed out trying to focus on work through the noise of people talking, smelling the fried food everywhere and the uncomfortable seating. Pennsylvania is a beautiful place. The trees tall and green, the interesting topography and the apparent working class everything.  I attended a customer meeting that was interesting, challenging and like drinking information from a three-inch firehose. We made progress and found areas where we could help. Sitting on the plane now before we take off, I realize what a delicious awesome life I live.

Later as we flew through the skies, I felt the days work and travel sink in. Sitting tiredly during a Chicago layover, I could feel myself becoming somewhat shallower in those moments. Talking on the phone, I could feel other people listening to me. Later as I thought about it, I realized I really did not like myself. This is not the person I am or want to be. More of the everpresent chameleon-ness of my personality. This I shall have to watch closely. Just as Buddha experience being a rich man, a poor man, and many other things, I do not wish to be bound into any one of those.

Finally arriving home, I became a complete oaf. When trying to enter my beloved wifes home, I became frustrated when I could not unlock the door with my hands full (briefcase, water, documents, etc). Then to compound it, I expressed my frustration towards the lovely beautiful soul that is my wife. She handled this well but experienced some anguish because of me. Manya is the sweetest kindest person I have ever known. She did not deserve my immature response. Being tired is no excuse for behaving like a jackass. So I sit here humbled, trying to figure out my own behavior so that I may not damage her or anyone else. This has been one large learning and growth opportunity among many in these last few weeks.

I enjoy the travel I do in my work as I get the opportunity to meet new people, see from different perspectives beyond my own. But it is not cheap or free. As all learning has a cost in one direction or another. Sometimes the cost is pain, sometimes money or struggle and often more. But this is how we grow.

I think that going forward, I will watch closely, this chameleon-like aspect that lurks within the wolf. For just as the wolf will blend into its surroundings, so do I. But I must learn to be actively aware of this.

Socrates referred to his daimonion (sign from the Oracle of Delphi). I often feel and see these signs, in what I read, in others eyes, in situations within my life and during my travels. These are chances for each of us to take, to learn to become something more than we are. Something good in our hearts as we love those that we are blessed to have in our lives.

One last thought.

I have been rereading a series of SciFy novels on my Kindle. These novels remind me of how I look at the reincarnation of life. I have always thought of it as a laborious process – death, rebirth, learning as a child and then adulthood. But lately, my view has been changing. Perhaps this is me changing and adapting how I view time in progression. Perhaps everything is instantaneous. Our lives, our deaths and the in-between of these lives. As the gods themselves must be seeing this. So instantaneous as to a point where you would need to slow down everything in order to even view it. Multiple billions of lives, born, grow, live, die and start again. All at the speed of light. So there is no need to fear, no need to fret. It is all happening now, at the speed of light. Just as the electrons of electricity surge across the wires at the speed of light to bring you the power to light a bulb or power the music playing over my amazon echo.

We too travel at the speed of light.

 

Thought Seventy Two

My best friend and I were married this weekend.

Manya is the sweetest woman I have ever known. She is intelligent, kind, passionate, empathetic and beautiful. Her love is the calm cool river in my turbulent soul, in this the white desert.

Manya’s vows to me:

Robert Joseph Day, 4 yrs ago you captured my heart by being exactly who you are. The sweetest, most loving, compassionate and sensitive person I have ever known. You have been my very best friend through the good and the bad. You have been the reason that I smile, and you have given me comfort beyond measure during my tough times. You have always believed in me and shown me how to love with passion, purity and unconditional acceptance. I am not sure a lifetime is long enough to return all you have given to me, But I promise the rest of my days, I will spend by your side. To laugh with you and cry with you, to believe in you and support you. I promise to do everything to make our love rich and never let it grow poor, in good and bad times. I believe in the truth of what we are. And Together we are better than we could ever hope to be alone. Today I give you, my `Best Friend’, my love, my trust, and my life forever. I promise to love you always, with every beat of my heart. You will ALWAYS be the best part of my life.

 

My vows to Manya:

My beloved Manya. I give myself to you with hesitation or reservation. You and I have known each other in this and many other lives. Forever in this dance across eternity, until even then when the galactic plane collapses in on itself and starts another cycle. So too shall we. You are a balm for my soul. As we walk through the sands of this the white desert, I will hold you in my heart now and always. Together in this sand, we will walk until there is no more. And then we will lie down and rest for a moment until it all begins again. Manya, you are my beloved, and I will guard your heart. I will be patience when there is none. I will be kindness when the world surrounds us with anger. I will be courage, for even in the darkness a wolf fears not. You face the light Manya and I the dark. Always a balance. Back to back. Worlds without end. You are the one I want to grow old with. To watch another thousand million sunsets together.  You are the one I want at my side now and forever. For you are my beloved, and I love you. You make me want to breathe in deep and laugh out loud with joy! You touch me in so many ways. You are the beginning and end of my heart. The white desert stretches out before us. Unending in its quiet beauty.  You, my princess of the white desert with the pure white heart. I the fierce black wolf that has dedicated his heart to you. My mind that is war, yet seeks only peace. You are that peace. You and I are connected in this now and a thousand million other ones. Across the sands of time, now and always. My heart belongs to you.

 

Thought Seventy One

I am not afraid anymore.

My best friend, the person I love more than life itself. The beautiful soul of a person that I have reached for across the long years of this life and many more, I will be married to this Friday.

I have often said that I have lived three lives in this one life. The first was growing up with my alcoholic dad that made life such misery. My mom simply trying to survive the destruction and protect her children.

The second was the seven years I spent in the Navy. Those were years of freedom and dramatic growth for me. They were also years of love. Love of friends, liberty, and adventure around the world. Even a bit of swashbuckling!

The third was the being married to a narcissist. I grew and learned while surviving and hiding. The only joy during that time was a few friends and my beloved daughter. She and I walked the surface of hell itself during those 27 years. I finally escaped with the help of my daughter and found a wild, scary remarkable freedom. Freedom to be me in whatever that looks like.

This is the fourth life. This Friday when I wed my best friend. The woman I have loved across many lives. That I have sought in my dreams and thoughts, across a universe so vast, that it is difficult to even contemplate. I have never felt so sure of myself. Of this amazing future that we have together. For she is my destiny. I will spend the moments of this life in love with her. I will protect her heart with all that I am. For I am her’s completely.

I have found my princess across this, the white desert. And together she and I will walk together leaving our footprints in the sand. Until the wind sweeps them away, and we begin once again. In another place and another time as our pac gathers around us, as they have so many times before.

I love you…

 

Thought Seventy

Friday evening I felt so strange. A withdrawal with observational distinctiveness. Having spent a week in an unfamiliar land. Where the natives were both friendly and safe, yet dangerous, seductive.

I was a stranger in a strange land. But even more so, was the stranger that I was. This person that I think I have mapped out myself to be, can be someone else. I am at my core a pieces/chameleon. Adaptive and changing as the water itself, I flow around and through the obstacles and impediments that mark my path. This is how I think of myself.

Still, I felt the withdrawal. I have to admit, I liked being in such a place. People everywhere, at all time of the day and night. Coming together in this nexus of humanity. I realized as I felt myself going through the withdrawal that I had adapted again, but at a greater rate than I had ever experienced before. I think that scared me a little. To find myself so wildly changed, yet still me. Attitudes, biases, positions held in my mind simply drifted away like the waning tide. To be so malleable and diffused. I find this disconcerting in some ways, and in others not. The moorings that anchor my ship in the raging seas of life, dragging and slipping. This left me pondering how attached we really are to our constructs of how we think. Sitting here watching the rain come down, I wonder. When I think of peoples lives, I often think of them like pill capsules encompassing the total of their lives. But really they are not. No more than mine is of such.

I want to observe this more going forward as it is teaching me something I feel is important. Important to me anyway.

I want to shake loose this grabbing on of societal and psychological safety rails. We are capable of so much more than this surface level.  This may be where this particular story arc is headed. As Steven King states in his book “On Writing”, you uncover a story the way an archeologist uncovers dinosaur bones in a dig. Maybe we do this in the participation and observation of our own lives/thoughts/emotions. Not exactly what our society would have us do, western or otherwise.

Society in its various form pushes us to take one position or another. Just as the original river valley civilizations of the Indus, Egyptian, and Mesopotamian were quite rigid and unchanging. But the ancient Greeks were dynamic and wildly changing during Socrates time. Unfortunately, this led to the rise of the sophists and the eventual death of Socrates. Not that Socrates understood everything, he did not. But his infernal questioning and teaching gave us Plato with his dialogs. All contributing to the western civilization we live in now.

So I question myself and see where this might take me. Perhaps a road less traveled, I can hope for. A place in the sun, on this rainy day in southwest Texas.

Another step along these great dunes of sand, in this the white desert.

 

 

 

Thought Sixty Nine

I boarded a jet yesterday headed for the east coast.

As I boarded the plane I realized that I texted no one that I was leaving. My daughter knew I was gone because I asked her to water my plants.

But I was alone.

Alone as I sat on an airplane full of people. The stewardesses on the plane were of a foul mood. So when they came around with their worn cart of canned lukewarm drinks, I quietly rejected their offers sprite, water, and other banalities.

Putting on my sound canceling earphones, I bathed in the silence as I read a book on my Kindle. In the seats behind me, a couple had brought on a cat they forced under the middle seat that stank of its cat’s box. While loading the last of the passengers, a young woman came onboard with a large dog. I wondered where that dog was going to sit for the three hour flight and then if needed, where would it defecate?

After the engines of the plane started, the smells of the cat’s box died out. Rather than a United Airlines flight, it felt more like a bus in Tijuana. When I finally arrived at my hotel, it had been a long day.

Today was longer still. Discussions about our lack of a clear message and frustration abounding showed me how far our raft was adrift.

On the NJ Metro train into NYC, I had a short discussion with a fellow passenger. They were helpful to me in navigating my way. A short while later, this person talked on the phone, gossiping for the majority of the ride into the city. The lack of depth in this person was astonishing in its quality of shallowness. Listening to this, I looked to myself to see if I might also at times fulfill this role. Perhaps this just part of what we do as we scrabble around on the surface of this planet. Much like the German cockroach that I observed walking on the armrest of the seat where I sat, unconcerned and unafraid on the NJ Transit rail car upon which I rode.

Lunch was at an upscale place with a group of more interesting people. So many people in this city-state of New York City. I thought I might be uncomfortable being in the proximity of so many people, but instead, it felt like an adventure. A place and people with a culture all to themselves. Walking as much as we did, it literally felt like an obstacle course of people. Except walking in dress shoes, on concrete, in the heat.

Later that day, after meetings, much listening and talking, we went out for drinks. The food was good and the drinks better. Feeling the pleasant buzz of multiple Mojitos, we headed to Penn Station to catch the train home. Unfortunately, the train kept getting canceled. Sitting at a bar with our field CTO, I was pleasantly surprised. He was a great conversationalist and was quickly entertaining our end of the bar. Listening and talking, a part of me watched and absorbed everything. The conversations and dramas that played out in that microcosm. The story lines and new story arcs that developed that night were interesting, to say the least. The pain I detected underneath each of those people would have made it difficult to keep observing had I not imbibed myself in the warm and settling arms of a top shelf tequila. Slightly buzzed, I eventually made it to my temporary home of the Marriott in Woodbridge NJ. An adventure for another day and perhaps another further observational fuzzy set.

Flying home on a Friday, the week had been fruitful both in sales, developing further working relationships, learning, and thoughtfulness. Flying back, I felt a sense of withdrawal. The culture on the east coast so wildly differing from Texas.  That being said, the people I met were overall friendly.

I was able to listen to and understand differing opinions from many people. Speaking with their dictionaries held before them, I many times asked for definitions. Standing on the hot sidewalk among the eight million people of New York City, I could see eight million dictionaries with not one being the same. Could this be the “Tower of Babel” that the Christian bible speaks of? My guess in that moment would have been yes.

So we spend these lifetimes trying to reach back across time to each other to understand. Most of us don’t fathom that we’re doing this at all. We just continue to fumble along as we transition through each part of our lives. The river that is “the most likely outcome” continues onward as we go through each grouped stage of our lives that come with a particular decade we are living in.

I see mine now, where I am. But I wonder what I will see ten or twenty years from now.