Thought Seventy Seven

I am slowly becoming very aware of how much complex PTSD I have. It affects me about 85% of the time. With that in mind, I realize my coping skill must be applied during most of my waking moments. This includes work, my home life with my beloved Manya and everything in between. My daughter once said to me that we are all at war inside. That’s an apt description of how I feel much of the time. Fortunately, I have been at this for a very long time and my coping-fu skills are very strong. As is the steel of my will.

But what I have found is that I most desire peace. A peaceful existence, peace in my household, peace in my emotions.

Peace.

The old Roman adage “if you want peace, prepare for war” from the ancient tome “Epitoma Rei Militaris,” by Roman general Publius Flavius Vegetius Renatus. So I must prepare myself for the constant and unending internal fight of CPTSD. Every emotion looked at through the unadulterated lense of my hyper-driven brain and overarching amygdala that would control my emotions.

In this season of Christmas, I find myself struggling with the mythology of Christmas. I don’t wish to encroach on other’s beliefs but often find that other’s beliefs encroach on me. Being a part of society makes this so, I would dangerously assume. I don’t enjoy it though. I wish I could, but mostly it feels weird and made up. Maybe make up a magical unicorn holiday where the multicolor unicorn spreads good cheer by way of it spraying skittles from its rear across the sky (taste the rainbow).

Back to tilting windmill my friends.

 

 

“Igitur qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum.”

Thought Seventy Six

I have been doing a lot of reading through this Thanksgiving holiday. About time (is it even real, so to speak?), relativity and the theory of block time. In addition to listening to the “Great Discussions” lectures in philosophy. Going another step further, I am in the midst of learning to be married again, be a partner, stepfather and seeing others twisting in the wind knowing you can do nothing for them.

Feeling the steps of the gods along this path, even when I don’t seek them out. Reality feels thin at times. An expression with words opens into a furtherance along the event path and I see a small part of the most likely outcome. Beautiful and delightful that moment of dance is. I try to express myself in theories of lives within the path of this spinning ball of mud over a billion years, lost in thoughts that regretfully require a context that is specific to my experience only. Perhaps communication is a myth as is all else we seek.

I wonder if we are truly sentient at all. Maybe that is the point of all of these lives. Introspection and self-knowledge while living and participating in this reality. I wonder this as I see the predictability many people I deal with. Perhaps the idea behind block theory leads me to what I call the “most probable outcome”. If there is a “most probable outcome”, then free will goes out the window to some degree (or normal as I often think). That is until we become self-aware of the “most probable outcomes” and choose something else, creating a divergence path. Another path of most likely outcomes where we are aware of our choices all at once. Where alone the event line the past, present and future become all at once, perhaps driving us mad. Or causing us to evolve into something else entirely.

A different path of our own making. Perhaps a white desert.

Thought Seventy Five

Before it gets better, it’s getting worse…

But, it’s not a moon.

It finally ended today. Four years of being legally harassed. Motion after motion. Opposing counsel slinging mud and slander, suits and countersuits. Endless worry and payments to my lawyer.

Was it worth it? To escape that living hell, absolutely!

Now married to a woman that I love more than life itself, I am starting my new journey unburdened. Good friends, a family I love, a fulfilling career. This is the good part. The part I want to savor minute by minute.

Just like the night I married my beloved Manya. Every moment locked into the forever. These moments become a permanent part of “the all”. Forever and always. An unending universe of forever, expanding with these moments that make up the gods themselves.

Whatever happens now, it’s not a moon…

Thought Seventy Four

This week has been hard.

A long report completed today, a ten hour slog across a muddy swamp infested with errant mosquitoes of mediocrity. Dodging bad karma crocodiles as they lunge forward hoping for a mouth full of rotting flesh.

That’s how it felt

Yesterday was worse. $2400 of mediation with an excellent judge that unfortunately had no chance of settling a case with a crazy person. We did learn a few things though. Some confirmation on Munchausen by proxy. That part was pretty crazy. I wish I could repeat the whole story, but the names have been changed to protect the litigious. Focus on the points of the law.

We’ve got this… Like potholes in the street.

As I walked away, the bear lunged at me. When I looked, he was right where he always was. It didn’t alarm me, I’ve seen these sorts things too many times to be surprised anymore. We go to trial next Monday. Assuming we get heard, I will be completely inside my head for several days. Watching and analyzing everything. Maybe if my mind is calm enough I will reach out while in the courtroom. Just to see what’s there.

It could get interesting in ways I haven’t thought of.

We will either win or lose. Winning means the end. The end of the endless nightmare. Twenty-seven years of eating shit. That said, the door has to shut at some point. All doors do. The gods swim and swirl as we drift through them unaware of what they are. To pray is to throw your thoughts into the great nothingness for whence there is no end.

I want to pull back and experience it all at a greater level. Where it is all one continuous flow of time. Life and death, birth and rebirth. All at once, all the same always.

To sit on that vast desert once again. Hot steel surrounding me as I smoke a thick cigar, seated in the cupola of a tank. Where my worse worry is just staying alive. Perhaps that is the simpler life.

Life and death.

Not court battles with monsters or ex-monsters. Battles in hardened steel. The same stainless 1911 on my hip, perhaps in a tanker holster then. 45 ACP, nine hundred and fifty feet per second. Flex body armor making me sweat.

The enemy should be better defined. Monsters that hide in plain sight. Faces with masks, but dead inside. A rotting corpse that is dead to everyone that can truly see. But most can’t so they remain fooled.

When I was younger, I dreamed of a boat in the Bahamas. An honest living in a beautiful place, looking for the end. The end never comes. We just keep dying over and over again. Endlessly reliving the same things over and over until we finally learn something even if we never do.

So wash, rinse and repeat.

It’s not a moon…

 

 

Thought Seventy Three

I now sit in this airport in Pittsburgh thinking. I worked for several hours on a report for a client but maxed out trying to focus on work through the noise of people talking, smelling the fried food everywhere and the uncomfortable seating. Pennsylvania is a beautiful place. The trees tall and green, the interesting topography and the apparent working class everything.  I attended a customer meeting that was interesting, challenging and like drinking information from a three-inch firehose. We made progress and found areas where we could help. Sitting on the plane now before we take off, I realize what a delicious awesome life I live.

Later as we flew through the skies, I felt the days work and travel sink in. Sitting tiredly during a Chicago layover, I could feel myself becoming somewhat shallower in those moments. Talking on the phone, I could feel other people listening to me. Later as I thought about it, I realized I really did not like myself. This is not the person I am or want to be. More of the everpresent chameleon-ness of my personality. This I shall have to watch closely. Just as Buddha experience being a rich man, a poor man, and many other things, I do not wish to be bound into any one of those.

Finally arriving home, I became a complete oaf. When trying to enter my beloved wifes home, I became frustrated when I could not unlock the door with my hands full (briefcase, water, documents, etc). Then to compound it, I expressed my frustration towards the lovely beautiful soul that is my wife. She handled this well but experienced some anguish because of me. Manya is the sweetest kindest person I have ever known. She did not deserve my immature response. Being tired is no excuse for behaving like a jackass. So I sit here humbled, trying to figure out my own behavior so that I may not damage her or anyone else. This has been one large learning and growth opportunity among many in these last few weeks.

I enjoy the travel I do in my work as I get the opportunity to meet new people, see from different perspectives beyond my own. But it is not cheap or free. As all learning has a cost in one direction or another. Sometimes the cost is pain, sometimes money or struggle and often more. But this is how we grow.

I think that going forward, I will watch closely, this chameleon-like aspect that lurks within the wolf. For just as the wolf will blend into its surroundings, so do I. But I must learn to be actively aware of this.

Socrates referred to his daimonion (sign from the Oracle of Delphi). I often feel and see these signs, in what I read, in others eyes, in situations within my life and during my travels. These are chances for each of us to take, to learn to become something more than we are. Something good in our hearts as we love those that we are blessed to have in our lives.

One last thought.

I have been rereading a series of SciFy novels on my Kindle. These novels remind me of how I look at the reincarnation of life. I have always thought of it as a laborious process – death, rebirth, learning as a child and then adulthood. But lately, my view has been changing. Perhaps this is me changing and adapting how I view time in progression. Perhaps everything is instantaneous. Our lives, our deaths and the in-between of these lives. As the gods themselves must be seeing this. So instantaneous as to a point where you would need to slow down everything in order to even view it. Multiple billions of lives, born, grow, live, die and start again. All at the speed of light. So there is no need to fear, no need to fret. It is all happening now, at the speed of light. Just as the electrons of electricity surge across the wires at the speed of light to bring you the power to light a bulb or power the music playing over my amazon echo.

We too travel at the speed of light.

 

Thought Seventy Two

My best friend and I were married this weekend.

Manya is the sweetest woman I have ever known. She is intelligent, kind, passionate, empathetic and beautiful. Her love is the calm cool river in my turbulent soul, in this the white desert.

Manya’s vows to me:

Robert Joseph Day, 4 yrs ago you captured my heart by being exactly who you are. The sweetest, most loving, compassionate and sensitive person I have ever known. You have been my very best friend through the good and the bad. You have been the reason that I smile, and you have given me comfort beyond measure during my tough times. You have always believed in me and shown me how to love with passion, purity and unconditional acceptance. I am not sure a lifetime is long enough to return all you have given to me, But I promise the rest of my days, I will spend by your side. To laugh with you and cry with you, to believe in you and support you. I promise to do everything to make our love rich and never let it grow poor, in good and bad times. I believe in the truth of what we are. And Together we are better than we could ever hope to be alone. Today I give you, my `Best Friend’, my love, my trust, and my life forever. I promise to love you always, with every beat of my heart. You will ALWAYS be the best part of my life.

 

My vows to Manya:

My beloved Manya. I give myself to you with hesitation or reservation. You and I have known each other in this and many other lives. Forever in this dance across eternity, until even then when the galactic plane collapses in on itself and starts another cycle. So too shall we. You are a balm for my soul. As we walk through the sands of this the white desert, I will hold you in my heart now and always. Together in this sand, we will walk until there is no more. And then we will lie down and rest for a moment until it all begins again. Manya, you are my beloved, and I will guard your heart. I will be patience when there is none. I will be kindness when the world surrounds us with anger. I will be courage, for even in the darkness a wolf fears not. You face the light Manya and I the dark. Always a balance. Back to back. Worlds without end. You are the one I want to grow old with. To watch another thousand million sunsets together.  You are the one I want at my side now and forever. For you are my beloved, and I love you. You make me want to breathe in deep and laugh out loud with joy! You touch me in so many ways. You are the beginning and end of my heart. The white desert stretches out before us. Unending in its quiet beauty.  You, my princess of the white desert with the pure white heart. I the fierce black wolf that has dedicated his heart to you. My mind that is war, yet seeks only peace. You are that peace. You and I are connected in this now and a thousand million other ones. Across the sands of time, now and always. My heart belongs to you.

 

Thought Seventy One

I am not afraid anymore.

My best friend, the person I love more than life itself. The beautiful soul of a person that I have reached for across the long years of this life and many more, I will be married to this Friday.

I have often said that I have lived three lives in this one life. The first was growing up with my alcoholic dad that made life such misery. My mom simply trying to survive the destruction and protect her children.

The second was the seven years I spent in the Navy. Those were years of freedom and dramatic growth for me. They were also years of love. Love of friends, liberty, and adventure around the world. Even a bit of swashbuckling!

The third was the being married to a narcissist. I grew and learned while surviving and hiding. The only joy during that time was a few friends and my beloved daughter. She and I walked the surface of hell itself during those 27 years. I finally escaped with the help of my daughter and found a wild, scary remarkable freedom. Freedom to be me in whatever that looks like.

This is the fourth life. This Friday when I wed my best friend. The woman I have loved across many lives. That I have sought in my dreams and thoughts, across a universe so vast, that it is difficult to even contemplate. I have never felt so sure of myself. Of this amazing future that we have together. For she is my destiny. I will spend the moments of this life in love with her. I will protect her heart with all that I am. For I am her’s completely.

I have found my princess across this, the white desert. And together she and I will walk together leaving our footprints in the sand. Until the wind sweeps them away, and we begin once again. In another place and another time as our pac gathers around us, as they have so many times before.

I love you…