Thought Fifty Five​

The California high desert sky was clear and full of stars.

It was time. A bit overdue even. I have grown and did not need to hide anymore. I had gotten so used to hiding, that it became a part of who I am.

But I am not who I was.

I am Robert Day and I am the Wolf.

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On the flight out here, I met this amazing lady. Sitting in first class talking and imbibing in a few adult libations, we spoke about who we were, perhaps what effects that gods have on us and the most likeliest of outcomes.

But she said something to me shortly after we started talking. She asked me why I was hiding.

That scared me a little.

Yes. I have been hiding. After thirty plus yes of wearing a beard just so I wouldn’t look like my dad. But I had let go of that a long time ago. Then a twenty-seven year slog through hell with an ex-wife that was in all likelihood committing Munchausen by proxy. My daughter in therapy trying to rid herself of the pain and destruction caused by that evil person.

And me still hiding in plain sight.

I don’t make promises lightly. But I promised this stranger that was quickly becoming a friend (if only for that three and a half hours flying) that I would cut off my beard.

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This morning, I stood before a mirror in my mother’s house in southern California. The clipper trembling in my hand, I began to cut. Slowly from beneath this large dark beard came a face that I had never seen before.

A face that carried a few lines that I had earned through this long life of pain. I did not relent nor pause. Not until all of it was gone and there was only me left.

Looking in the mirror, I could see my deceased brother Ron, my deceased sister Darlene, my brother Steve, my mother Ilene and at last a bit of my dad.

Looking at this me I had never seen, I realized that I liked me.

Peace my friends.

 

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Thought Fifty Four

Another night over, another journey complete. Walking among the wastelands that are so many other’s thoughts. I wake and drink some water knowing what waits beyond the slimy shores of sleep.

Gods damn you sleep.

You and the daemons that never stop.

But not now. Today is not your day. For I live forever in this day as you gnash your teeth against the icy rocks that are my collective soul. I feel the gritty touch of the darkness around me. Always there, always waiting, gnashing teeth and thrashing limbs in a sea of slimy black water.

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I wait here, walking through the white sand with a mornings brittleness of stature. Rough smells of leather and cigar smoke linger about me. My boots worn from many a lifetimes walk among the desert sands. My eyes search the horizon from under the brim of my hat, but my heart knows the answers without looking.

I live in the darkness, for I am the Wolf. Wolf tracks run up and down my arm and legs so that all may see and know who I am. These daemons, they cannot take this from me. These shallow unknowing creatures that swirl in ineptitude and cast their meager stones know not.

For if they did would they fear?
Would they tremble within their small boxes as this unknowable intelligence swept past them, consuming all in its path? Their survival, one of statistical luck rather than the gods of their meager beliefs?

They walk in absolute ignorance of all around them, consumed by the silly shiny things that sing and dance before them, over and over again. Their lot in life cast before they choose to live. To open their minds and break out of this endless nothingness.

Consumed by emptiness, the boxed in dreams that take them toward another life of nothing. This brings to mind for me that perhaps this is because of the endless experience of this reality playing out in all formats across all time.

Fuck!

How many lives have I done the same?

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I am creating this the White Desert. A bubble outside of time. Where I will dwell and perhaps walk with the gods themselves (also my creation). I will live there forever writing my story and thousand million others until this all begins again. Perhaps then I will sleep. For later even the gods and daemons will be gone, and only the endless sea of white will remain. My bones lost in the sand. But my memories will linger, the friends I have known and loved. The enmities that tortured me. The pain of learning that racked the synapses in my brain.

But mostly the love.

This I will choose to remember.

 

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Thought Fifty Three

Across the white desert, the wind blew.

The shadows crossed the peaks of the dunes and motion was lost among them. I felt the sweat under my shirt begin to turn to a chill. The reflected light of a thousand billion galaxies shown down upon me. The cold dark gods watching impassively as they always do.

I stepped forward on the declination side of a white dune, fear wanting me to partake in its insidious grasp. I felt it slide over my mind, eel slippery probing and tasting. The want and abandon fear choking me in its grasp. The pounding taste of defeat before the battle had even begun. The oppressing place that feels like being crushed where you pray for the simple release of a good death.

I felt it.

I felt it all.

My pistol on my hip, a rifle in my hand, I had stopped moving. But neither the sand nor the skies above noted this. This strange planet of endless white sand simply continued to revolve around its sol as it had for a thousand billion years.

The daemons that danced in the shadows and sought your dreams noted it so. Looking for another place to dwell, I supposed. Thier fingers made of the lightest clouds that were visible only on the passage of sleep. A place to dwell and create the disturbances they sought. To replay their losses over and over again.

I started to move forward again. My sword lapped gently against my back as I walked. The blade forged in the heart of a star by the very gods themselves. Thrumming lightly, as if for the taste of blood. Be still my friend I thought, the time will come and soon. When blood will be spilled and wine drank without taste. In those moments, you will know. And it did.

I rested not, but continued to move forward. The sand gradually filling my boots, my pockets, in my beard and into my very lungs themselves. This white desert would own us all. There is no escape, no way back. Yesterday doesn’t exist anymore, just a faint memory and the morrow has not arrived yet. But one foot in front of the other, forward.

I could not have stopped any more than the planet could quit turning. For this is the only way.

Maybe in another time, in another place, Where green was as far as the eye could see, the rivers deep blue and cold. Maybe then once again.

Across the endlessness of the empty morrow, where we will all meet again.

Friends.

Until that sacred moment, we continue forward. On hands and knees if need be. Weapons hot, sword hand free, destiny calling us forward. They will not stop us, nor slow down the progression. The white desert won’t allow it. The gods themselves twitter and faun, watching a story play out a thousand million ways over and over again across time.

I will take this feeling in my heart and turn it to edged steel. Each swing will bite deep and to bone. These daemons will own me not, nor their master. For I dwell in the dark, hidden among the ruins, my soul shattered from a million lives transgressions. They will know me not when I come for them.

And I will come…

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Thought Fifty Two

Every cigar is a journey.

A passage of time. An experience good or bad (depending on the cigar). I was smoking an Arturo Fuentes Exquisito Maduro. Thinking that I could really have gone for a Hemmingway Maduro (Arturo Fuentes), but didn’t have the time to enjoy it and not end up leaving it half smoked.

Heresy!

An Exquisito is about a twenty minute smoke. Medium to full bodied. Medium draw, all good. With a strong cup of black coffee, it is impossible to beat.

Thinking about these things, I noticed this morning a couple of things about myself. I realized as I made my bed, folded some laundry and started another load, that I enjoyed doing things the way I liked to do them.

I did these tasks because I wanted to do them.

Not because I had to. Not because it was expected by anyone. Because I wanted to. For such a very long time in my adult life, I was forced to do so many things. My ex wife was a monster in many ways. Deeply controlling, narcissistic and conditional love on a scale that would be worth clinically studying (emotionally disturbed).

So I learned to hide.

I hid. In my “man cave”, in my many hobbies, in work, etc. Anything to escape the “The Hell” that was my daily waking life. She pursued me, looking to destroy me and anything that I might love or enjoy. She did this to my daughter. To my adopted son. Even to our pets (two dogs and two cats). Nothing was enough for her to destroy.

I think these thoughts came to mind this morning as I realized I still had a bunch of dress shirts in my closet. Carrying them to the garbage can, I dumped them in. Punching the stiff pressed shirts that carried the weight of my past down deep into the trash. A place they belonged along with all of the damage and destruction the ex wife caused.

I live in the white desert now. While there are monsters among the white dunes of sand, there is also peace and sunlight.

A place to dwell and think…

 

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Thought Fifty One

I often read, see and hear people speak of wanting to know the future. Destiny, questions of love or careers. Success and failure. Our lives have free will. This is something even the gods themselves cannot change.

In our lives, through our choices that we make moment to bloody stinking moment, our path is forged. Steel struck on life’s anvil, there we are forged to become who and where we are at this moment.

This creates what I call “the most likely outcome” in this reality.

Exposition dump completed, now I move into the thought I had today.

I can see the most likely outcome. From looking at person’s picture to speaking with them on the phone or in person. I often see it in those around me as well as myself. Most of the time I am silent because the act of informing them can influence and change it. Much like in physics where the act of observation changes the observed. Though I write these words, I do not wish to damage someone’s faith or psyche. I simply want to inspire them to think, to search beyond the tip of their nose, to have eyes to see, ears to hear.

The negative side of often being able to see “the most likely outcome” in this reality, is that you choose not to engage.

Why might you ask?

Because it is like knowing the end of a movie you haven’t seen. There isn’t any surprise. It isn’t quite the same level of fun when you know how it ends. Sometimes knowing is sad. Sometimes it is a burden to carry. Not everything in life is happy and rose smelling. Often you can see the hardships and suffering that may await someone.

The gods themselves don’t care. We don’t attract their attention any more than an ant does an eagle soaring high above the earth. Sure, if you are still in mind and body, and listen very quietly, you can almost hear their footfalls. Like the distant sound of thunder after a particularly large rain storm or watching the moon move through a telescope late at night.

Knowing this, I will walk forward alone.

It is simply speaking, easier. Easier for me and my heart. Easier to not be cut and damaged by the eternal dance that we all do. Driven by the biological to distraction. To burn our ephemeral time in discord and compromise. To damage as to be damaged.

I enjoy these quiet contemplative moments, where the thoughts flow through my mind like a river to the sea. There in the sea, I shall abide. The gods and daemons will swim below and above me. I will feel their passing and the shadows they cast. But I will not be afraid, for I am the sea and the sea is I.

Floating gently of thought.

 

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Thought Fifty

Is it that we want to worship and give thanks to something greater than us? To experience more. To have the ultimate daddy in the sky that grants us wishes and makes our dreams come true? To not have to take responsibility for our own actions and inactions.

I was emptying the trash cans in my home and realized how much I enjoyed this house. I have been here a year and still find things I like about it. Feeling that gratitude, I almost gave thanks to a god I was raised with but have shed like a severe case of the flu. That god had nothing to do with my life and how it has progressed. No master plan, no destiny, only the most likely outcome in this particular stream of reality.

I don’t choose to not believe in as much as I choose to recognize some gods and shun others. Learning always from the people around me, I choose not to have belief systems as they require a support system. Like a table with three legs. You remove one, and the whole thing crashes.

Instead, I choose to find truths.

Truths in the line of a book, something someones says in a movie, in a business meeting where a different thought arises and disappears just as quickly. In a thought unbidden, in the sheer beauty of a moment, in a child’s smile or a firm handshake.

These are moments when truth stands before me, ephemeral in nature for those that have eyes to see, ears to hear, a heart to feel.

I choose to be a traveler. To the places of truth far and away. To find what most never search for.

Right here.

In this place.

In this time.

 

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Thought Forty Nine

I have walked through these darkened rooms and halls many times before. The ground wet and muddy outside of these shambling walls. The faces and names different, but still the same.

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In this one, I see an old gun in the hand of a dark one. She is lost in the madness of pain and eventually her own death. None will rejoice for none will see.

I walk into a room, the light dim. Only to have another extinguish the light and run away. The lost things swirl and grab for me. But I am not afraid. Fear too was lost to me long ago.

Walking forward, these tenuous things, they grab and swirl. With their claws, they rake and tear at me. Blood pools in each step as I walk. Swatting them away as the gnats that they are, I move forward toward an unknown place that lies ahead. In this though, I will remember. I will know all that I have known before. All that I have been and will ever be.

The road will be long and perhaps painful. This one has already been such. But I choose to embrace the pain. To make it my own, to welcome it’s transitory sensation and remember it as the old bitter friend that it is.

This new year I will walk alone.

The daemons and gods that haunt me, unfaithful companions of timelessness. I will think and write. Explore the hidden deepness in my mind and perhaps the madness that lay therein.

And I will remember.

 

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