Thought Forty Six

Glassy skies above…

The age of romanticism that we live in. The deep sweet feeling that reaches inside of us and takes us to places where we have never been before. Or creates an indefatigable sense of loss. It would seem to test our sanity at times.

Socrates said, “Wisdom is knowing you know nothing.”

And we do. As I have moved through my life I have realized more and more how much I do not know. Of this, there are many things I would like to know beyond just wondering if it is madness or reality. It does test one at times.

As I laid on the floor, my respiration seeking to elevate, I felt my body ceasing to function. As my blood pressure rose and my respiration became shallow, I remembered to slow my breathing. The food I had eaten was bad and my body reacted to it. Rolling onto the floor pressing my face against the cold tile, I inhaled and counted “one thousand, two thousand, three thousand” exhale. Count again “one thousand, two thousand, three thousand” then inhale. Slowly over the next sixty minutes, I felt my body begin to ease out of the shock it was in.

All the while, a close friend stayed on the phone with me. I couldn’t talk because it took all of the mind function I had to control my breathing. But still, she waited, listen and worried.

Laying on the floor, covered in shit, I felt the biological parts of me. Animal, ego and still the sentience that was me stayed. Quietly aware of everything in the background. When the terrible pain finally faded down to a whisper of itself, I felt the normal me back at the forefront. The ego that I am.

I think I liked the feeling of less ego while just trying to control my breathing. Trying not to pass out and die choking in my own vomit. Covered in shit, lying face down on the floor, not sure when or if this will end, brings a bit of clarity.

The last time this happen, I did the same stupid thing. I ate some meat that had been in the refrigerator too long. My body is predictable in its reaction of explosively removing these toxins (bad food) from my systems.

I knew I would not die, although it felt like I was going to. This time and the last. But the focused state of doing only what matters, while knowing someone cares for you brings some peace. You are alone, but a loved one watches over you attempting to share your grief.

A last thought;

I read on Quora about grass. The story told about a man that had dead spots in his yard. He watered and fertilized, he fretted and tried, but nothing seemed to help. Until another gave him the following advice.

Do not focus on the dead grass, for it is dead. Focus on the living grass and over time, with care, it will fill and grow over the dead areas.

Our lives are like this. Focus on the areas that we enjoy, the areas that bring us light. Those areas will eventually grow over the dead spots. Then your grass will be full and green…




Author: Robertus Invictus Maximus

Walking alone, in this the white desert.

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