Thought Forty Two

Ragnarok. The end of everything.

For the Norsemen, it meant the end of everything. The final battle where all the gods would rise and fight one last time. Then die to start all over again.

Some are drawn to or wish for the end. The end of their legal troubles from their malodorous ex-wife, the end of a stressful project that drags on forever, the end of the pain.

Wolf-Tracks-V3I have spent a good part of my life wishing for things to be over. When I was in the Navy, I wanted the cruise (overseas for 8 months at a time) to be over, for a general quarters drill to be over, for a fire that seared my lungs and had me fearing for my own life to be over. Later it was a bad marriage that consumed everything in its tempestuous flame. A long walk through the darkness, burned beyond recognition, I wished for it to end for almost three decades.

Then one day it was over.

The monster no longer could burn me alive, torturing and destroying no more. A devil that had no further hold over me. The prison within my mind I could walk away from. No more would I walk those narrow, dangerous paths filled the detritus of death and darkness. But the chains that once held me in the darkness fell away not so easily. Some parts I thought would naturally fall away did not at all.

I had to learn to be ok just being with me.

Not an easy task. This from a person that started life hating himself. The evolution that I have undergone scares me sometimes. For a wrong turn, a moment too late, that I should not have arrived where I am now.

But I am here.

And in this moment and many others like it, I am finding that to be by myself is not just Ok, but good. No, that isn’t strong enough. I like me and where I am. The crazy, creative, logical mind that I have. The work that I do where I can bare my teeth to rend and tear (logically speaking). To learn to love the people that choose to be in my life with no thought of changing them, but to simply and beautifully love and accept them. It matters not if I understand them, for understanding is not required in all circumstances. Acceptance is enough for this moment.



Author: Robertus Invictus Maximus

Walking alone, in this the white desert.

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